The Balance of Empathy
Empathy is so much more than what we might think.. It is something I have found myself fascinated by for some time. Exploring the subject of empathy has helped me better understand and connect with others as well as learn how to better look after myself. I’ve come to understand empathy is fundamental for connectedness with others and for building and maintaining all types of relationships (intimate, working, family, friends). I have noticed that empathy drives connection and to empathise often involves going to a place within us where we have felt those emotions before; it’s vulnerable. To empathise is to share an emotional experience with another person, to attempt to understand what they feeling and thinking. If we are unable to empathise either emotionally or cognitively, we may be unable to fully understand or care for others. Practicing healthy empathy is important as with too much or too little empathy we can experience emotional dysregulation or struggle to connect with others and maintain relationships.
What’s going on in the brain
The discovery of mirror neurons only a few decades ago gave us a much deeper understanding of empathy. The scientists who discovered this found that we have these command neurons that fire off whenever we are performing an action (these neurons are in the areas of the brain concerned with behaviour, learning, personality, and voluntary movement). They found that these neurons behave the same way when we simply watch someone else do something. I can imagine these little neurons at work whenever I see someone having a cup of tea and suddenly decide that I too would like a cup of tea! There are various ways our empathy is triggered; often through observing someone’s distress through their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, seeing the event that is causing the distress and the persons reaction to it, and seeing someone be physically injured. When our brain receives the messages that someone else is in pain, neural pain circuits in the brain are activated and some people can actually feel a jolt of physical pain in response. It’s thought, from an evolutionary perspective, that this developed as a survival mechanism, so we learn both to help the injured person and learn how to avoid injury (Decety, 2009). Having this experience of actually feeling another’s pain for ourselves gives us the ability to truly empathise and understand them. It is thought that it is mirror neurons do just that; we experience a reflection of the pain the other is experiencing.
There are two main types of empathy; emotional, and cognitive, and a balanced combination of these helps us to maintain ‘healthy’ empathy. When we empathise, we connect emotionally and cognitively with another person to see their world as they experience it.
A sponge to emotions
Emotional empathy is where you ‘catch’ feelings from someone else and share this emotion. It is feeling with. This is what you experience when you see someone is upset and similar feelings rise within you. When someone is crying and you notice your eyes welling up. We feel the other persons feeling, and we experience our own distress in response to someone else’s pain. This can also happen when we watch something on TV that is moving or upsetting. With emotional empathy we experience compassion and a willingness to help someone and through empathising with them they can feel heard, understood, validated, cared for, supported, and held. This facilitates closeness and trust within the relationship. Emotional empathy doesn’t only let us share people’s pain, we also share in their joy, excitement, peace, and happiness. When we empathise in this way the response is both physical and emotional, our body responds automatically to the information it’s taking in. Often people say they “bounce off” other people’s energy, this may describe this experience of sharing the ‘energy’ of another, it is your natural ability to empathise! Emotional empathy can also be problematic. This vulnerable state can take its toll and highly empathic individuals can experience some emotional burnout. If over-empathising leads us to prioritise others over ourselves it can negatively impact our emotional wellbeing and mental health.
Imagine yourself in another person’s shoes
The other main form empathy takes is cognitive empathy. This is a less emotional way of empathising with others, although it can lead to emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy is more like a skill and it’s the type of empathy that is taught and can be learned and developed at any age. Cognitive empathy involves taking another person’s perspective and imagining what it might be like for them; placing yourself in their shoes to try and better understand their experience. With cognitive empathy, we can meet people where they are and understand why they might be feeling as they are. Have you ever received some bad news that left you feeling angry or sad and have spoken to a friend about this? It can feel so validating and comforting just to have them sit with us, and just say “I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can understand why this would be hard for you” or just “wow that really sucks”. They listened; they see how hard it is. Sometimes that’s all we need.
Balance
Empathy is a way of connecting to the emotion that someone else is experiencing, it is the ability to respond appropriately to someones emotional state, and it is the ability to understand why someone is feeling how they are. It does not need to be all of these. Empathy itself can be expressed differently in different people. Some people can struggle to articulate their compassion and understanding, some people may not show empathy through their facial expressions and body language but that does not mean the empathy is not there. If we need empathy from someone close to us and feel they are not empathising, we can be curious with them about what they are thinking and feeling, without assuming they simply do not care or do not want to help.
Maybe you aren’t reading this because you have an abundance of empathy, but instead you feel that empathy doesn’t come naturally or easily. This could be due to how well you know the other person and whether you like them, it can be due to past experiences, trauma, certain medications, emotional avoidance/ suppression, and certain health conditions or disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). We may struggle to empathise if we aren’t in touch with our own emotions or able to experience and express a full range of emotions. It is thought that both genetics, life experiences, and socialisation play a part in how we experience empathy, and we all have naturally varied levels of empathy. However, not being able to empathise can interrupt the ability to connect with others as we cannot feel with them and understand why they are feeling that way, and consequently offer the right support and allyship.
Empathy exists to help us build and maintain relationships, to care for others emotional and physical wellbeing, and to learn to keep ourselves safe. If you feel you over or under empathise, how you empathise is something you can change. If you want to develop empathy as a skill, just like anything, it requires practice. If you are feeling burn out from overly empathising, take a step back and reprioritise your own needs. Keep reading if you would like to change your relationship with empathy.
Over-empathising. Do you find you are becoming emotional easily, having more intrusive thoughts, or struggling in your own relationships? Are you feeling emotionally exhausted or overwhelmed by the emotional state of someone you are close to? You may be over-empathising or experiencing empathy-burnout. To manage this, here are a few tips:
1. Prioritise your own wellbeing and needs. Connect with an assertive part of yourself if needed and be firm in your boundaries.
2. Observe the feeling, but don’t pick it up (you can identify what the feeling is but not absorb it or take it on as your own feeling).
3. Consider if empathy is appropriate for you in this situation. Particularly if it is with someone who has hurt you before. Have self-compassion.
4. Notice the emotions that are coming up for you, notice them in your body and release them so you can be present (relax your body and face, imagine yourself releasing the feelings; “I am letting go of any anxiety/ sadness/ anger”. Affirm what feeling you would like to have “I feel calm/ safe”
5. Separate other people’s problems and feelings from your own. “Is this my feeling or theirs?” if it is not yours, allow yourself to let it go.
6. Be present and let go of judgement and any worries about the future
7. Consider how you can set healthy boundaries in the way you support others that allows you to care for your own emotional wellbeing.
8. Ensure your relationships are reciprocal and equal, it should feel like, as a whole, the relationship is 50:50.
A lack of empathy. If you would like to increase your ability to empathise with others, here are a few things you can try:
1. Make caring about others a priority
2. Put aside the urge to ‘fix’ and just be present
3. Try to recognise the emotion the other person is feeling, try to remember what it is like to have this yourself (if you feel emotionally ‘safe’ in doing so), notice their facial expressions, the content of what they are saying, their tone of voice, and body language. You could mirror their body language and facial expressions to demonstrate this attunement (frown when they frown, sit forward if they sit forward).
4. Let any judgement go and just listen (to show listening- direct your attention to the person, put down any distractions, nod in understanding, offer a supportive hand if relationship-appropriate)
5. Imagine yourself standing beside this person and looking through their window into the world, what does it look like? How does it feel? Maybe they are looking at a bleak future and feel hopeless. Maybe they are looking at a loss and they feel sad and bereft. Maybe they are looking at chaos and feel anxious. Do you notice any feelings coming up in you? Your knowledge of the person and their past will be helpful here.
6. Communicate to them that you understand the feeling they are experiencing. Empathy isn’t just about the feeling, it’s what we do with that feeling.
Written By
Hollie Harland MBACP, PGdip, PGcert, BSc, DipHE
Additional sources:
Jean Decety, W. I. (Ed.). (2009). The Social Neuroscience of Empathy: MIT Press.
Jonas T. Kaplan & Marco Iacoboni (2006) Getting a grip on other minds: Mirror neurons, intention understanding, and cognitive empathy, Social Neuroscience, 1:3-4, 175-183
Dr Brené Brown: “Empathy vs Sympathy”